More Difficult than the Terrible Twos: Picking Weeds with a Four-Year-Old

My middle daughter is nearly five years old, and I find myself praying that the Ferocious Fours will end with her upcoming birthday. I know from experience that this is unlikely, so I’m constantly looking for new ways to reconnect with her after some really trying days. Here’s a great excerpt from a Dr. Sears article, “Disciplining Bothersome Behavior: General Tips”. From this description, I would say we are in a full-blown weedy patch right now. For the full article, follow this link.

• Feed flowers, pick weeds. The conduct of a growing child is full of undesirable and desirable behaviors — weeds and flowers. Given good nurturing, flowers grow so well you hardly notice the weeds… Sometimes the weeds grow more quickly than the flowers, and you have to pull them out before they take over. So go the behaviors of a growing child. Part of disciplining a child is to weed out those undesirables that make a child unpleasant to live with so that the desirables flourish and make the child a joy to be around.

It’s hard to explain just what is so difficult about mothering a four year old, but most parents will agree that this phase is much harder than the infamous Terrible Twos. Maybe it seems more difficult this time around with my second child simply because she has always been the easy child. She was a simple baby, a quiet and adorable toddler and has adapted well to all new phases of our lives; including preschool, a new baby and a new home. She is still quiet, but is now trying out her independence. She gets frustrated easily and does not want help from anyone. She will often do something forbidden, get caught and then claim it was an accident. Last week, when I caught her “pruning” an evergreen with my new (and very sharp… and previously well-hidden) pruning shears, she angrily exclaimed, “Well, I didn’t know you were there!” No remorse for her actions, just really angry that she got caught.

Last night at bedtime, I laid down beside her to sing one of our songs. We talked about her favorite parts of her day, but as usual, her answers were brief. In the silence that followed, I thought about all the really frustrating moments we had with each other. Suddenly, she looked right at me and stared. I could tell she was sizing me up; her face expressionless but searching. I smiled and looked into her enormous brown eyes, praying that we would connect. She finally reached a verdict and lifted her small hands to stroke my face. She tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled, then opened her arms wide to silently ask for a hug. My eyes filled with tears as I gathered her in a fierce hug. “You are so special,” I whispered. “And I am so lucky to have you.” She whispered back, “I love you, Mom, to the moon and back a million times and start all over again.”

I know she will test my patience a thousand more times (in the next year.) I’ll struggle through each day mentally chanting, “Don’t yell at her… don’t raise your voice.” But even when I do lose my cool, I know for sure that tomorrow and every day, I will make the time and effort to reconnect with the best parts of my little girl. And perhaps in doing so, she will rediscover the better parts of me.

U.S. Babies and Children Allergic to Our Food Supply

I’ve just listened to a webcast on Parenting Unplugged Radio featuring Robyn O’Brien, author of The Unhealthy Truth: How our food is making us sick – and what we can do about it. It sheds new light on the prevalence of allergies in our children, specifically milk allergies, and the processed, artificial food supply we subject them to. Listen here: http://parentingunpluggedradio.com/?p=274

If you’re struggling with discovering a food allergy, intolerance or unexplained behavior in your child (such as ADD or ADHD), please look at your food supply. How many labels do you have to read to get through your dinner? How much high fructose corn syrup, hydrolyzed soy protein, msg, hormone-laden milk or hydrogenated oils do you consume? If you’ve never thought about or checked labels, you are likely supplying your family with a toxic diet (even if you are simply breastfeeding your infant).

This is one of the most succinct and well-researched resources I’ve found on the subject of food allergies and gave me reason to pause and reflect on my own struggles with dairy intolerance in all three of my children. (Read previous post Is My Baby Allergic to Me? for common reactions.) I thought I knew it all on the subject of toxic food, but she educated me further. I’m anxious to read the book just to see what more I can learn. Check out her web site at www.allergykids.com for more information.

Oh, and here’s a funny aside if you’ve listened to the segment where Robyn describes weaning her children off of neon orange mac and cheese. I had my own experience with this when my oldest daughter was finally able to digest cow’s milk and became obsessed with the gooey orange junk. I began buying the natural mac and cheese, which is usually white or slightly yellow, and added pureed organic winter squash to beef up the orange color. She can’t taste it, gets a nice helping of beta carotene and none of the toxins associated with the red and yellow food dyes. I slowly switched to flax seed pasta and ACTUAL CHEESE (gasp!) instead of packaged powder, but continue to add squash. To this day, she has no idea and insists that I make the best mac and cheese in the world. Maybe it’s a baby step, but still one worth taking. Try it!

New Baby? Won’t Stop Crying? Ten Easy Steps to Happiness.

Falling in love with your baby is easy, taking care of a fussy baby… not so easy. All that crying really is your baby’s way of communicating. Now, what on earth is he or she trying to say? And why didn’t anyone warn you about this before you had children? Don’t be tempted to call it colic just yet. You can discover what is wrong.

As a first-time mom, I wrote these instructions for my husband so I could take a break. He was always able to figure out our babies cries by using this as a checklist. Once your baby is on a consistent routine, you will eliminate a lot of crying and fussiness by meeting needs before they become urgent. In the meantime – when you’re at your wits end – take a deep breath and try each of these until you find the right one.

Happiness Routine (what your baby is really trying to tell you)

1. Change my position. Or change your position; stand, bounce or sway.
2. Burp me. Try different positions, not just on your shoulder.
3. Feed me. If I’m really hungry, I may resist a bottle at first. Be gentle but persistent. (Be aware that fussy babies are often fussy because we are unable to digest cow’s milk in any form; whether in your diet passed through the breastmilk or in dairy-based formula… please try eliminating cow’s milk.)
4. Talk to me. Let me know you love me.
5. Help me sleep. If I won’t look you in the eye, I may be really tired. Take me to a dark, quiet room and rock me to sleep.
6. Hold me in the “pooping position.” When I’m semi-reclined in your lap, gently push my knees to my chest or rub my belly. Gas drops or Gripe Water may help relieve gas pains.
7. Check my diaper. Wet disposable diapers don’t usually bother me, wet cloth diapers may.
8. See if I’m too hot or too cold. I probably don’t need a hat, jacket, booties and gloves inside the house.
9. Swaddle me. I feel more secure when I’m wrapped snug in a blanket.
10. Hold me. It’s what I love most, and I even produce growth hormones when held.

You will know when you’ve been stricken with baby love. One touch of silky-soft baby skin and suddenly, your life is worth so much more. Your heart melts at the sight of one tiny grin and the weight of the world seems to lift at the sound of a contented baby sigh. Caring for a baby is exhausting, sometimes frustrating work, but baby love is fierce … and can inspire you to accomplish anything you can imagine. Keep up the great work, you really can do this, and all these challenging stages will pass before you know it. For more help setting up your routine, try www.babylovecarebook.com.

Stay-at-Home-Moms Valued by Businesses?

It sounds impossible: Companies finally understanding that staying at home to raise children and a household actually gives us MORE skills than not. Entrepreneur magazine reported in April 2009 (yes, I’m just now reading it… but give me a break, I have three children and I’m a WAHM) that Goldman Sachs offered a “returnship” program last fall. Women can return to explore a new field for eight weeks with pay, but no guarantee of long-term employment. Although, five of the initial eleven participants were offered jobs.

Several other programs (57 to be exact) are cropping up in other companies and lots of fun new buzzwords are appearing for this not-so-new concept of SAHMs returning to work. Career reentry. Relaunch. Returnship. This is all very interesting and sounds so hopeful for parents and also for military personnel returning to civilian jobs. What I want to know is… how is this valuable pool of job applicants getting compensated? Are they being exploited with grossly undervalued salaries like in previous generations, or is this truly a turning point for stay-at-home parents?

I’ll keep digging up facts and let you know what I turn up. Has anyone here returned to work in a MORE favorable work environment than what they left? I’m interested in your stories.

Wearing the Mommy Uniform

I remember the moment when I declared to myself that I would never let my appearance sink to the depths of stay-at-home mom (SAHM) level. I thought this while visiting my dearest friend, B., who was mother to a toddler and an infant at the time. I didn’t have any children and could not comprehend her frumpy attire of comfy pants and faded shirt. Her hair needed trimmed and there was some mysterious goo on her shoulder. “Not for me,” I decided.

Fast forward seven years to this moment: I look down at my carefully chosen outfit. Today, I am “dressed up”. We’re visiting family so I have actually showered and applied make-up. I’m wearing comfy capri pants with a plaid pattern to hide any gooey globs that may come my way. Unlike most of my pants, these don’t have pockets so the matching sweater has supplied this appendage. Every SAHM knows that pockets are as necessary as baby wipes and Vitamin D.

On my horrifically “unpedicured” feet are black Betula Birkenstocks, slightly more fancy than regular Birks, but that still allow for 10-12 hours of standing, walking (or running) to keep up with three small children in relative comfort. I tell myself they are cute, but I know better.

My hair is down and has been straightened, styled and sprayed. It will probably end up in a ponytail before the day is through. It has been over six months since my last hair cut.

This is my new norm. Comfort clothes and effortless attire. I have settled into a lifestyle I once sought to avoid. I’ve joined a team of mothers (and fathers) who are passing through a hectic, tiresome and spiritually abundant time in our lives brought about by the presence of small children.

I don’t have time for primping or accessorizing. My only jewelry, in fact, is my wedding ring, which grows more beautiful with each passing year. (Going on 12, but who’s counting?) I admire it and realize that I am proud to wear this uniform of motherhood… gooey globs and all. Thanks for showing me the way, B.

Is My Baby Allergic to Me?

As crazy as it sounds, it may be true. Breastfeeding mothers may pass what they eat through the breast milk in a form that their baby can’t tolerate. True food allergies are rare, but many children are born with a food intolerance, especially to cow’s milk products. This includes milk-based formula, as well as breast milk from moms who consume dairy.

The terms allergy and intolerance are often used interchangeably. Technically, an allergy causes an immune-system response and an intolerance causes a gastrointestinal response. But as a mother who has been through it three times, I can tell you that my children had symptoms of both. So far, two of my three children have outgrown their allergy/intolerance of dairy.

Tracking down a food or environmental allergy in babies and children can be a frustrating task. The easiest way is to follow the elimination diet and keep a food diary. By eliminating foods that are common allergens, like cow’s milk, soy, nuts, shellfish and eggs, you can slowly introduce one food back in and wait to see if there is a reaction. Babies can also be sensitive to tomato products, citrus and other strongly acidic foods. A baby may continue to have a symptom like diarrhea for a few days after you have eliminated problem foods, simply because the intestinal tract was irritated, and will need a few days to heal.

Be sure to read labels on suspected foods. You may find common ingredients that will lead to the source of an allergy. For instance, casein and caramel food colors usually are made from dairy. Some children are sensitive to food dyes that are named with a color followed by a number.

Common reactions include:

Irregular stools – this can be hard to define in a newborn, because stools vary greatly. If you notice green, mucus or blood in the stool, suspect a problem.

Gas and cramping – most babies get gas, but some really seem to be in pain just before releasing gas.

Fussiness or colic – some babies are labeled as having colic, when they actually are experiencing gastrointestinal distress. Some babies get extremely distressed when you try to lay them down on their back. (This is also true if they have reflux.)

Rash, hives or eczema – many babies have sensitive skin, but if you notice dry, red patches of skin or hives in
addition to some of the other reactions, it could be caused by something they are eating.

Runny nose – this can also happen during teething, so watch for it if you notice other symptoms.

Hyperactivity, sleeplessness – less common in babies, but more common in older children. It can be caused by many different foods, including those that contain artificial dyes.

Vomiting – not to be confused with spitting up, which all babies do to some degree. Vomiting in babies is more projectile, and may really upset or scare the baby.

Wheezing/asthma – can be caused by both food and environmental allergies, such as cleansers, pets, pollen or mold. You could be contributing by using perfumes or scented hair products. Be sure to discuss with a doctor immediately if you suspect asthma.

Severe inability to gain weight – this one is serious, and should immediately be discussed with a doctor. A  small part of the population has an allergy to wheat products, which can cause serious health problems.

All children are unique, so discuss any symptoms and the results of your findings with a doctor. These are just some of the reactions I encountered (as a mother, not a doctor!) while tracking allergies in my three children. To keep an organized journal, I developed the Baby Love Carebook, which includes  allergy tracking worksheets. The complete Carebook is available on www.babylovecarebook.com.

Mourning a Lost Love

[originally written September 8, 2008]

The only visible evidence of my third pregnancy, aside from my active and adorable 6-month-old baby, is my fading linea negra. I know that one hard scrubbing in the shower will make this thin brown line on my abdomen disappear, but I protect it. I wash around it carefully, preserving this small souvenir. While I rejoice in wearing my skinny jeans, I secretly stash away my favorite pair of maternity pants. I’m not able to give them away just yet.

I know that this process of mourning the end of a pregnancy is normal and necessary. I wish I could happily announce, “We’re done! No more babies!” But the truth is, I will always secretly long for more. I loved being pregnant – everything about it. Even when I had reached my physical limit this last time and could barely walk, I still loved it. I love giving birth – all three births without any drugs, needles or modern entrapments – each one more primal and empowering than the last. My husband and I were blessed, this much I know. Getting and staying pregnant was never a problem for us.

I let myself wonder what could have been if I had started having children in my twenties. Would I be able to have more children if given the time? Would I even want to? Could I have possibly understood the intense spiritual connection that happened during pregnancy and birth? Not just the connection to my children, but my connection to spirituality and faith and hope.

Yet, I know that had I not waited, I would be an entirely different mother. I would not be as patient or forgiving. I would not have fond memories of Paris, London, Puerto Rico, Grand Cayman and a particularly decadent week in Napa Valley. These countless destinations and experiences sustain me during long, sleepless nights with a baby or afternoons doing homework with a grumpy first grader. I would not have started my own business and saved enough money to allow me to stay at home with my girls. And I may never have heard my four-year-old daughter suddenly announce, “When I grow up, I want to be a mom, just like you.”

Even while holding our sweet baby girl, I still feel that bittersweet sadness when I see a beautiful “baby bump” on another woman. The sadness is for me of course, because I’m genuinely happy for her. When I learn of a woman who cannot conceive despite years of trying, my heart aches for her. I know and understand the yearning to be pregnant, and have been spared the agony of physical inability. My inability now is self-imposed by my own parameters: my age, lack of income and lack of time.

So I let myself mourn my lost love and I cling to these last precious months of babyhood. I breastfeed with the same joy it has always brought, but now I allow it to feed my soul as I feed my baby. I work late into the night to keep my business going, knowing that this small sacrifice of time and sleep will provide decades of joyful memories. I know that in a few short years my children will require less from me and my career will begin again. But I don’t look forward to it now.

As I say goodbye to my fertility and my thirties, I remember how far I’ve come on the path to who I am. I will allow myself this sadness for a while longer, but with absolutely no regrets.