Children learn about death in many ways but they learn about grieving from the people they are closest to.
Just three weeks ago I paced the house, cleaning and straightening. I was nervous about breaking the horrible news that our neighbor and first-grade teacher had died suddenly. My eight-year-old daughter adored this woman and I knew that she would be hurt.
I learned of the death after dinner, but knew that the end of a long day was the wrong time to tell her. We were still uncertain about the cause of death and hoped that morning would bring more information.
After breakfast and some play time with her sisters, I found a chance to tell her alone. Random bits of advice and knowledge had swirled around in my head all morning.
Years ago, I heard a child psychologist tell parents that bad news should be delivered to children during the first ten seconds of your conversation. Children often get lost if you spend too much time trying to soften the blow.
Remembering this, I held her hands and told her that I had something hard to tell her. She was sitting across from me on my bed. I watched her head drop and her tiny heart break with the horrible words, “Mrs. Apolzan died this weekend.”
With just the slightest movement of my hands, she fell into my arms so we could cry together. Over the next few days, I answered all of her questions as patiently and honestly as I could. We allowed her to cry, to be sad, but also to forget all about it and just play.
She attended a painfully sad memorial service with me at her request and we talked about different customs regarding death, funerals and burial options. She is a very inquisitive child and the extra information seemed to help her to sort out her feelings.
Death is painful only to the living. I did not want to write about it. Looking back now, I realize I simply did not want to live it. I certainly did not want to be the one to inflict the heartache of death upon my child.
But I’m a mother.
I could never let someone else deliver such a crushing blow. My only real choice was to catch her, to hold her and to love her while she learned this painful lesson of life.
Grace and peace.
We loved you, Mrs. Apolzan, and we will always be grateful for our opportunity to know you.
Reflections of Motherhood asked moms what they would tell themselves if they could go back to the days before they had their first baby. They created this video of the responses. I thought it was perfect to share with other moms, especially on Valentine’s Day. Please take a few minutes to watch.
Now take some time today to love your life as a mom; to love your children and to express that love to all the people in your life that matter.
According to the Chinese zodiac, I was born in the year of the rooster, but I prefer to think of myself as a chicken. I couldn’t help musing recently at how I would measure up in the much talked-about book about Chinese parenting, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. I have not read the book, and while she writes with style and wit, I have no desire to read it. If you have not heard all the hoopla, I encourage you to read the response from her daughter, who admits that her mother is not quite as ferocious as the book implies.
As a mother raising three daughters in the United States, I have no problem being a chicken. Persons born in a rooster year are characterized as sharp, practical and tenacious. We are also hard-working, eccentric, a bit show-offish, loyal, charming and we really hate any viewpoint that disagrees with our own. Hence, many roosters own our own businesses or pursue careers in art or entertainment or you know, blogging. We like to be noticed, and probably care about our hair just a tad too much. I am totally a chicken.
But a Chicken Mama has a different code of ethics and expectations. Much like a Tiger Mother, we are very proud of our flock, and do not care to hear anything (at all) negative about them. However, when my daughter brings home anything less than an “A”, we assume rightly that she has a slight learning disability, was placed on the wrong side of the classroom, or simply failed to properly learn the material because of faulty teaching.
And, also like the Tiger Mother, this Chicken Mama does not allow TV (on week nights), we do not subscribe to cable television nor do we own video games. Personally, I am not a fan of play dates, but I do give in on a case-by-case basis. (Mostly to moms who are artsy or eccentric like me.)
As for musical prodigies, I have a much different stance. I spent about 5 minutes researching the Suzuki method when my firstborn was in preschool, and nearly fell off my nest when I realized how much of my own time would be spent teaching the piano or violin. Forget about it. Our piano teacher’s primary qualification is that she has a car and comes to our house. My eight-year-old is musically gifted, that’s for sure, but hates to practice. I set a timer when necessary, and we get about 30 good minutes of practice each night.
Will she ever play Carnegie Hall? I really don’t care, but if it’s important to her she will make it happen on her own and not by my constant pecking. I will completely support and encourage her, but I won’t be the one who pushes her in the direction of my own dreams.
As for defiance or unruly behavior at home, I also take a much different approach. As a Tiger Mother, Amy Chua once (or more often) called her daughter “garbage” when the girl acted disrespectfully. I’m not into shaming or name-calling to get my children to obey. I do not see the value in this. My children are expected to act respectfully and are often complimented on their good behavior. I have many strategies that make this happen; most importantly my children feel loved, respected and confident. We model respect in our actions, as opposed to the ranting, screaming, hair-pulling tactics given by Ms. Chua.
As for our typical home environment; Western Chickens are very proud of our nests. Our homes are fun, organized and filled with laughter. Chores are required, meals are always taken around the dinner table and homework must be completed the moment the kids step off the bus. When my three little chicks get out of line or have trouble controlling their behavior, I resort to a much different sort of Battle Hymn. We crank up Keith Urban and dance it out. Nothing lifts a mood like a guitar-heavy country lick, especially when the artist looks so fine. Give it a try, it will raise your spirits, or at least your heart rate.
I suppose I could crush them into submission by calling them names; but this German/Irish/Native American so-called Western Chicken Mama would much rather teach my little birds to fly.
Grace, Peace and a bit of humor.
(And thanks again to Totsy. Last week’s sale of the Baby Love Carebook was ridiculously successful!)
A family member used this phrase last week to describe her life with a newborn and a toddler. I remember so many days just a few years ago of my own fierce determination mixed with immeasurable joy and overwhelming exhaustion that left me drowning in motherhood.
As a former lifeguard and 8-1/2 year veteran of motherhood, I compiled my top three survival skills to share with new moms who may find themselves in over their heads.
Survival Skill #1: Relax and Submit to Your New Reality
I recently researched an indoor swimming facility for my three young girls to escape this long, dreary winter. I learned that the swim instructors teach a “rollover” technique to children as young as four months. When a submerged child rolls onto her back instead of kicking and fighting for the surface, the air in her lungs creates enough buoyancy to bring her head above water.
Motherhood is like that, too. When we learn to relax and give in a little, the stress and struggle of mothering eases up. Maybe the house is a mess or you’ve served canned soup and grilled cheese for the third time this week. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of mothering. Sit back, put your feet up and catch your breath.
Survival Skill #2: Find Your Life Preserver
Getting your head above water is only the first step, now you need some help staying afloat. When you first become a mom, it’s common and so easy to become isolated from your former world. Your past relationships and lifestyle may not fit any longer; and that’s okay. But motherhood is a lot more difficult if you put yourself in solitary confinement.
You’ve got to reach out to find new connections that will help you through this part of your journey. Consider joining a play group, striking up a conversation with other moms at the park, or enrolling your little ones in a cooperative preschool or Mother’s Time Out program. You will learn so much about parenting and child development, and hopefully, you will start lasting friendships based on the commonality of motherhood.
If you are parenting with a spouse or partner, tether yourself together during this time. Losing your connection to the person you love most is not only possible, it’s common during the first year of parenting. It’s true that your relationship will never be the same, but with a lot of work and communication, you will build yourselves an unsinkable lifeboat.
Survival Secret #3: Count Your Blessings
How many times have you exclaimed, “Thank God!” after pulling through a harrowing experience? It may sound cliché, but learning to appreciate what you have each day will give you the strength to endure whatever comes your way. I give this advice frequently, but only because I’m given so many reminders of why it is important.
Last week, I received the staggering news that a friend’s 12-year-old daughter had died suddenly after a mild illness. It is a tragedy like this that causes you to shift your priorities. In my case, it reminded me of the first few weeks after my second baby was born. I was struggling to care for a 2-year-old and a newborn. And then came a phone call that changed my life forever. A teenage family member was hospitalized in the intensive care unit because of kidney failure.
From that moment on, I cherished the dark, quiet hours at night when I fed and rocked my baby girl. I was still tired, but no longer frustrated or overwhelmed. I understood then, and now, that I am blessed and make sure my children know every day how much they are loved. After many surgeries and weeks in the hospital, my family member survived. The lessons I learned from her struggle remains.
My second daughter is now six years old. Last weekend, she crawled into my bed in the wee hours of the night. She was feverish and wanted to sleep with me. My desire to make her feel better overcame any worry over catching her illness, so I snuggled close to her and listened while she drifted off to sleep. I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer of gratitude. And when – two hours later – my two-year-old daughter padded in wordlessly and climbed into bed on the other side of me, I repeated the ritual.
Last month, I participated in 29 Gifts, a challenge started by Cami Walker who published a book by the same name. Each day for 29 days, I gave a gift to someone. Nothing major. Sometimes just kindness or a phone call. I was to give mindfully and with love, with no resentment or expectation. I was also to reflect at the end of each day what I had received in return.
What I learned from the process was that giving was easy and a natural part of my life. I’m a worrier when it comes to others. I feel the need to take care of people; to lift them up when necessary and keep everyone around me healthy and happy. I think I’ve had the mothering instinct long before I had children.
There were only 2 days when I realized I had not given out a specific gift, but several days when I gave out more than one. My most cherished day was writing a letter to my childhood friend’s father who was battling cancer. He lost his battle one week after receiving the letter. While his death still saddens me, on the day of his funeral I was given an entire afternoon with my sister who also attended. It was rare time together where we could simply talk and catch up.
In fact, I wrote a lot of letters. I realized that putting your thoughts of love and encouragement into writing becomes a timeless gift that can be cherished again and again. I still believe that saying what you feel is more important, but writing it down is a close second.
I also became more mindful of the small gifts that I was receiving: cookies in my mailbox from a neighbor, kindness from a stranger in a parking lot when my car died, and even a check from the library who admitted that they had actually found a long lost book that I had been forced to pay for.
What was shocking, I guess, is that I rarely put myself in the position to receive.
I often say no to invitations or brush off my desire to attend certain events if I think it might inconvenience my family or myself. I rarely speak up for what I desire. My real challenge during these 29 days was to say YES to life.
I forced myself to schedule time with friends. I bought tickets to hear one of my heroes, Michael Pollan, speak – even though I didn’t have a babysitter or someone to attend with me. And much to my surprise, it all worked out. I found two friends to sit with me and finally – finally – asked for something that would seem trivial to a more extroverted person. I asked Mr. Pollan for a photograph and had a short but delightful conversation with him.
My moment of truth; I asked and I received. Here I am with a look of sheer joy, practically sitting on Michael Pollan's lap.
Right now many of us are busy buying gifts for Christmas or perhaps you just finished Hanukkah celebrations. It clearly is the time of year when gifts are front and center in our lives. During the course of 29 Gifts, I was encouraged to give with love, joy, remembrance, abundance and gratitude. I like to think of all five attributes as simply giving mindfully.
I encourage everyone this season to really think about the essence of giving and receiving. Perhaps a store-bought gift is not appropriate this year for everyone on your list. Even small children can appreciate time spent with you as more important than any toy.
So, is it better to give than to receive? Here’s a better answer than any I could give:
“Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back – given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” Luke 6:38
My children hate the answer, “maybe.” They assume that “no” is not far behind. Lately, the word maybe has become my best glimmer of hope.
Last month, we were surprised by news that our neighborhood was being redistricted and our children would be moved to a different elementary school. Above all the worry and anger, the echoing sound of “maybe” played over and over in my head.
I’ve stumbled across the following story several times in the last year. It has been attributed to both Zen Buddhism and Taoism, but its lesson is universal.
The Maybe Parable
Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
“Maybe,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
Three Cups of Perspective
While perusing a bookstore with my husband (a rare event for us these days), Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson practically jumped off the shelf. In the dusty recesses of my mind, I’m sure I had heard of this book. I couldn’t resist the cover image of three young Pakistani girls reading. If you’ve never read this, please give it a look.
The timing of this book entering my life more than four years after it was published was providential. The annoying issue of redistricting melted into trivia. My girls have incredible schools and absolute freedom to attend. I even talked with my eight-year-old daughter about the children in the world who don’t have schools. She seemed to relax about the prospect of change.
Maybe a new school isn’t such a bad idea after all. Maybe it will all work out for the best. Indeed, a few weeks after learning of the proposal, it was suddenly revoked. We are staying at the same school. Even if we had been moved, we were all prepared for a new adventure.
Just in Case I Wasn’t Paying Attention
Two weeks ago, I received a crushing blow to my already struggling retail business. After signing a contract with a major buyer and postponing my fourth quarter sales and marketing plans, I’ve learned that the buyer is trying to back out of the contract. Without these sales and no time to implement other sales plans, my year-end outlook is at a six-year low.
Maybe giving up on this opportunity will open new doors. Maybe it’s not quite over yet. Now that I’ve had two weeks to process the situation and to get over my initial anger, I’ve offered the matter up to God. And I am at peace with whatever the answer may be.
Mom Dare: Practice the power of maybe. Just as an enormous blessing often carries with it new burdens of responsibility, bad news can sometimes lead to a greater place of power and peace. When you feel the stress of resolving a problem, remember that sometimes a problem is really a blessing in disguise.
For a better getaway, leave way more information than you think any babysitter could possibly need.
I finally took my own advice. Following three years without a break, I took some time off. Three glorious days involving my husband, a hot-stone massage and adults-only dinners. I slept late, meditated, devoured a book (Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson… a MUST read) and basically found my center again.
Leading up to this event was anything but relaxing. I tossed and turned thinking of all the logistics involved in leaving three children for three days. I filled out medical consent forms for each child, wrote out instructions for each day of my absence, and updated my Baby Love Carebook to detail daily routines for our youngest daughter.
My husband teased me about all the work, rhetorically asking, “You do know your mom has done this before, right?”
Of course I know my capable replacement has babysat before (and raised three children of her own.) If I didn’t feel confident, the trip would never have been a possibility. The fact remains, details will make or break a babysitting assignment. The more information you leave behind, the fewer questions your replacement will have.
When my mom showed up the evening before our departure, I laid out all the paperwork. She heaved a big sigh of relief upon seeing the signed medical consent forms. She read through the three pages of instructions and remarked that I had answered all her questions. She jotted down a few notes of her own then went off to spend time with her granddaughters.
Despite tornado warnings and my mother getting sick on the first evening, we had no major catastrophes. There was only one event that prompted a phone call and a little intervention from grandpa to fix a broken CD player. The girls behaved wonderfully and really enjoyed the extra time spent with their grandma.
My husband and I were able to see each other as people again, not just parents. This was a business retreat with other managers from his company, so I was able to spend time with his coworkers and spouses. It helped give me a deeper perspective on how he spends his time away from home. My husband was also able to see me engaged in conversations with his peers. After eight years of parenting, and 13 years of marriage, this type of interaction has become rare and precious for us. I’m so very grateful we had the chance to reconnect in this way.
On the last morning of our stay, I perused the lavish hotel shops in search of a small token of appreciation for my mom. As the cashier was wrapping up a beautiful silk and velvet scarf and an adorable set of angel magnets, I noticed some note pads. I get my list-making passion from my mother, and know how much she likes a decorative place to write things down. I selected one to put on top of the other gifts, so that this sentiment would be visible upon opening the box: “Smart Women Put it in Writing.” True. So true.
Mom Dare: Put it in writing. Whatever “it” is for you. Write down your daily routines; you just might discover a pattern or inconsistency you had not realized was there. Complete a medical consent form because you just never know when you might need it. (I got mine from our pediatrician.) Write down your meals, especially if you suspect your child has a food intolerance or if you are struggling to take off a few pounds. Write a love letter to your spouse. Let him know how much he means to you, even though your daily grind may not give you the time you once had.
What are your other suggestions of things to record in writing? How did it help you to write it down?
Potty training. Again. While I’ve done this twice already with varying degrees of difficulty, I still find the process to be exhausting. Most days, I want to throw all the cloth diapers out the window – other days I want to chuck the potty seat and trainers along with my determination to teach this skill.
What transition are you working on? Moving your child from your bed to a crib, weaning from breast milk to bottle or cup or giving up diapers in exchange for the potty are not small tasks. And even if you’ve done them before, the reality is you’ve never made this change with this child. It’s all new to him or her. Some changes come about quickly while others drag on stubbornly. That’s where we are with potty training.
Before giving up (or forcing my will upon the poor child), I’ve found it’s helpful to examine my motives behind making the transition at this time.
Motivations for change often fall into three categories:
Shame/embarrassment. You know you should have taught this skill sooner but didn’t. Maybe you waited until your baby was nine-months old before introducing a bottle. (I’ve been there.) Or you waited until your four-year-old became so big that you can no longer sleep in your own bed comfortably and must demand they sleep elsewhere. The logical part of your brain knows that developmentally, there is no reason why your child is unable to make the change. But the emotional parent part of your brain is too afraid to make it happen.
Anger/resentment. Do you feel so tired of the way things are and find yourself blaming your child? Perhaps you wonder why they can’t just do this one thing. After a lot of introspection, I realize I’m probably in this category. I don’t feel resentment, but after more than eight years of changing diapers; I’m very, very tired of it. I’m ready to move on whether my daughter is or not.
Competition. You really want to tell the grandparents, or other moms, that your little prodigy accomplished this transition easily and early. You want to brag a little about whatever milestone would give you this edge on being a good mother. It sounds shallow, and you will probably deny you’ve ever felt this way, but chances are you really are competing with another person’s timetable.
I’m tired of changing diapers, that’s for sure. I suspect there’s a little more going on as well. This is my youngest of three children and we are certainly not having any more. I’ve stopped trying to hold on to the baby years mostly because she refused to stay in the baby phase; reaching all of her physical milestones many months before her older sisters.
But I also prefer to breeze through a transition without marking it’s passing; hoping to avoid any sadness or longing on my part. She gave up breastfeeding sometime in her 17th month, but I do not have a memory of the “last” time nor did I want to dwell on it. I loved breastfeeding and while a part of me misses this connection; I knew that marking an official end would be too painful. We simply moved on.
Potty training will also mark a major end to my baby and toddler years. This independence will mean I’ve no longer got any babies in my care. No more diapers. While it will be sweet freedom, it will also mark a major transition for me as a mother. Dragging out this transition for so many months just prolongs the pain.
I’ve come to realize that the one thing that is required of me at this time is love. My daughter will be potty trained in the near future. (I sometimes chant this just to convince myself.)
It’s my job to love her, to love the stage we are in and to use this love to fuel my patience.
It’s this love that will also lift me out of sadness when I realize there are no more babies, no more toddlers and someday, no more little girls in my care.
So, I’ve made a few changes to how we go about potty training. I removed the changing table from her room. We don’t use it anyway and it helps us solidify the transition taking place. I also added disposable diapers to my shopping list. While we use only two diapers a day for nap and bedtime, I need the mental and physical break from washing them. We’ll continue making the transition using consistent behaviors, but I’ll relax my timetable and renew my love for caring for a toddler.
Weekly Dare: Life is filled with one transition after another. Look at what changes you are trying to make in your life and with your children. Examine your motivations, remove the negative emotions and concentrate on love. Use this positive emotion to feed your actions each day as you bring about a positive change.
Grace and Peace.
To subscribe to my weekly message and to take on other Weekly Dares, enter your e-mail on the right under subscriptions, or you can visit at www.babylovecarebook.com
Envision your ideal Mamacation; then go do the next best thing...
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“Don’t worry about chores, sleep whenever possible.”
“Schedule regular date nights with your spouse.”
These are all words of wisdom that I was offered upon becoming a new mother. I’ve even repeated these tidbits to other new moms. But here’s the question: how do you really take a break if you’re a new parent?
1.) Ask for Help
NEVER turn down an offer of help and be VERY specific about what kind of help you would like. If a friend or family member asks if you need help, don’t reply with, “Sure, some help would be great.” Instead, say, “Would you mind bringing over dinner one night this week?”
Or, maybe you could call a friend and ask for them to watch your child while you take a nap, see a movie or grab some exercise. It doesn’t matter so much what you are doing on your time off as long as the activity is restorative to you.
2.) Schedule “Me” Time
Experienced moms will tell you to schedule a break for yourself. It can be as short as a few minutes or an afternoon or evening all to yourself (or hopefully, with your spouse.) You must put it on the calendar and really prepare for it. Leave lots of instructions. Whether your babysitter needs the advice or not, you will be more at ease knowing you’ve provided lots of information.
3.) Examine Your Reluctance
Many stay-at-home moms become workaholics. We take our new job very seriously and assume that our role is irreplaceable. Well, it’s true that you are the most important person in your new baby’s life right now. But letting go of the reigns for a few hours to improve yourself is important for the whole family. If you have been reluctant to get help from family or a professional so that you can have a break, are you being honest with yourself about the reason?
Guilt. Finances. Fear. Those are three top reasons moms give for doing all the childcare work themselves. “I quit my job and gave up my salary to do this, so it’s my responsibility.” Even hourly workers are typically allowed sick or personal days on the job. There is no shame in taking personal time as a mom.
Breastfeeding is another excuse. I nursed all three of my children. The first for 15 months; then 14 months (she was a biter); and the baby was still going strong until she was 17 months old. With a little planning, you can still take time off despite being the sole provider of baby’s nutritional needs. I didn’t enjoy pumping, and my babies were allergic to formula, but it was a small amount of effort to get a break.
Why are Breaks so Important?
If you’re starting to understand how to take your break, but still reluctant to try, let’s look at the reasons why you should put in the effort.
1.) Reduces your risk of caregiver burnout and depression.
A recent study tracked nearly 87,000 families in the United Kingdom between 1993 and 2007, and found the highest risk for depression occurred in the first year after a child’s birth.
“After the first year of parenting, a mother’s risk for depression dropped by half, while experienced fathers faced only about a quarter of the depression risk compared with new fathers.” (Source: The New York Times)
What’s important in the results of this study is that both mothers and fathers experience in increased rate of depression during that first year. Most studies focus only on mothers and postpartum depression, but fathers are at risk, too.
Many studies have been conducted on family caregivers. Caregivers are defined as anyone providing assistance to someone else who is, in some degree, incapacitated. Caregiver stress and burnout are well-documented and startling.
40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression with approximately a quarter to half of these caregivers meet the diagnostic criteria for major depression. (Source: Zarit, S. (2006). Assessment of Family Caregivers: A Research Perspective)
Family caregivers experiencing extreme stress have been shown to age prematurely. This level of stress can take as much as 10 years off a family caregiver’s life. (Source: Elissa S. Epel, Dept of Psychiatry, Univ of Calif, SF, et al, From the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Dec 7, 2004, Vol 101, No. 49.)
2.) Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder, Really.
Research conducted by Julia Vormbrock, Ph.D., and others, shows that children grow more fond of their caregivers when they’re separated from them – at least for a few days. After two weeks of separation, however, most children become “detached,” reports Vormbrock. Many attachment parenting experts believe that the detachment phase begins closer to three days in children less than three years of age. So, while an extended trip away from your children may not result in a positive outcome in your relationships with them, a few hours or an evening away is certainly not harmful.
Getting some time away from your child can indeed give you a fresh perspective, especially if you’re caring for a high-needs or special-needs baby. You can be better able to reattach after a restorative break.
What about during the separation anxiety phase? Usually around 18 months, give or take a few months, your baby will go through separation anxiety when the primary caregiver is not around. If you are right in the thick of separation anxiety, keep your breaks to a minimum, or find a way to take a break during naps or at night when your child is sleeping. Forcing your child to cope with your absence during this phase can often make them more upset and insecure. I promise that with healthy bonds and lots of patience, this period will pass rather quickly.
3.) Encourages Children to Bond with Other Caregivers
Your child will also be able to reattach to you when you return. Even if your first few tries at getting away have resulted in leaving a wailing child in another person’s arms, it’s important to remember that your child really does forget about you shortly after you leave. Not in a permanent or debilitating way, they just focus their attention on someone or something else.
Without you there, they begin to take notice of this new caregiver in front of them and will have the opportunity to form a healthy attachment with them. This is especially important if the back-up caregiver is your spouse or a grandparent who has not previously been given access to one-on-one care.
MOM DARE: If you’re the primary caregiver of one or more children, take a break. Schedule a date night with your spouse or girlfriends. Make sure you are doing this at least once a month. Your connections to your husband, close family members and your friends are vitally important to you. While having children definitely limits the amount of time you have to spend on these relationships, the importance of them does not diminish. Think of it as a mini Mamacation; and make the most of any time you can carve out for yourself.
Grace and Peace (or Peace and Quiet)
To subscribe to my weekly message and to take on other Mom Dares, enter your e-mail on the right under subscriptions, or you can visit at www.babylovecarebook.com
(Today’s post is written by the very talented and insightful Lori Lowe. You may have seen her blog Marriage Gems recently on Freshly Pressed where it was featured for three days and recorded over 40,000 page views in four days. Here’s a glimpse of why her posts are so popular.)
As a marriage researcher and writer, I frequently come across studies that offer tips on benefiting marriages. I often find the same tips can also help improve my relationship with my kids. Here are four tips that can help you improve your relationship with grown-ups or little ones in your home.
1.) Use the 5-to-1 Ratio
Dr. John Gottman says marriages that survive have five positive interactions for each negative one. Words of praise, gratitude, love, kindness, affection or a sincere compliment fall under the positive interaction category, while a complaint or argument fall under the negative side. The single negative interaction is important, because couples are able to work out problems or frustrations and communicate honestly during those times.
It’s interesting to relate this advice to children. Obviously, we are not at risk for breaking up with our kids. However, it’s not always easy to maintain a positive relationship with them as they grow up –including the toddler and teen years! I sometimes find myself having far too many negative interactions (“Hurry up, you’re late for school!” or “Why are you dilly dallying on your homework?” or “I don’t think you did your personal best on this work.”) I sometimes need to remind myself to offer positive words and encouragement.
On frustrating days, I try to offer myself and my children some grace, and then take time to reconnect with them while doing something they enjoy, such as playing a game, or talking about something fun they did at school. One of my kids’ favorite activities is eating. (They’re skinny kids, but they eat like horses.) So, connecting around the dinner table is great timing for them. They are so appreciative of the cooking and the food—even if it’s broccoli with garlic salt or spaghetti—and they love to share a story while they are relaxed and full.
Bedtime offers another time to balance the 5 to 1 ratio, with snuggles, reading and chats about the next day’s activities. While boosting the positive words, be careful about offering empty praise (“Good job!”). Instead praise specific actions, such as, “I like the way you invited the new girl to play with you on the playground,” or “You made a real effort on the soccer field today.”
When you’re having a difficult conversation with a child (or a husband), it’s particularly important to touch them in a gentle way. Think hugs in the morning and after school, cuddles during the day, massages and gentle stroking for babies and toddlers, butterfly kisses or special hugs at night. Don’t give up on touching teens affectionately; they need the pats on the shoulder and the hugs just as much as younger kids.
3.) Celebrate Good News
A third study I’ll share has to do with supporting your loved ones, particularly when they have GOOD news. It seems a little backwards, but it’s crucial to improving relationships. Studies show couples are supportive during tough times, but often apathetic when good news happens. Since there are more good times than bad (for most people, thankfully), our loved ones may see us as not understanding who they are and what they value when we don’t encourage and praise them when things go well.
Having a cheerful response to both our spouses and our kids, and celebrating with them when something small or big goes well can tremendously boost your relationship. Good news for your kids might include success during potty training, making the team they tried out for, doing well on a paper or test they worked hard on, or getting a date with someone special. Try to stay in tune with what is important to them.
4.) Put Your Marriage First
I believe the above studies offer insight that is useful to maintain and improve positive relationships with our children, but more important advice is found in the book To Raise Healthy Kids, Put Your Marriage First. Read my summary and review. Putting our marriage first not only benefits your marriage, it benefits your children in ways we didn’t understand in the past. Giving too much attention to kids, it turns out, only does them harm, by not giving them the opportunity to develop and problem-solve. Of course, it can also hurt the marriage, thereby jeopardizing the sense of security our children enjoy.
For hundreds of research-based marriage tips, visit www.LifeGems4Marriage.com. Lori Lowe is marriage columnist and blogger from Indianapolis. For 15 years, Lori has been happily married to her husband, a pilot who keeps her grounded. They live in Indianapolis with their two children, a crazy cat and two aquatic frogs.
Moms with Grace 
